Awakening

Patience is a lesson I have to relearn from time to time.

I want to know my next step right now. I want instant gratification and the answers to my most pressing questions such as.....

Where am I going?

What is the need that I can fill?

Who can I help?

What do I do effortlessly?

If money was not an object, what would I want to do?

Where do I want to live?

What do I want my life to look like?

I do enjoy the journey as difficult as it may seem at times.

I have found through the years I have collapsed myself with others and now I find myself asking, "Where is Marianne?"

I have done this several times in my marriages. I have lost my sense of SELF.

I find when I gave up my power to conform or to make another person happy at the cost of my happiness I lost my identity. I lost touch with my soul. I lost connection to the divine.

It happened so stealth like. I gave up my power. I feel trapped. I feel like a prisoner. Sometimes I feel drained from the subtle brainwashing. Eventually, such a high level of dependency occurs that I forgot my identity I became so concerned with pleasing others I forgot the most important person in the equation: myself.

Forced into behavioural patterns that are not within my true nature, pushed to undertake things that do not resonate with the spirit within. There is a lack of clarity , no direction as I became more dependent on others, their vision became mine, their beliefs became , mine as I gradually molded into someone who I can no longer recognize.

I am now at a place of awakening, an inkling deep inside that perhaps the whole situation is not quite right. There are small clues and hints which became visable for me over time as the awakening gradually increases. What caused this awakening?

An aguement over a birthday present for my daughter. It triggered deep within, a memory, a suspicion a rebellious thought regarding the person holding my self power. As time passed the suspicions grew, I became more astute, I watched and listened, actions were speaking louder then words.

These suspicions grew until I gathered the inner strength to say no. Then I watched and listened to the behaviour of my power taker, noticeing him grasping for control by attempting to exert his authority over me in one way or another, emotional black mail, manipulation and using my personal knowledge against me. Knowing the one main way to hurt me was with my child.

Once I began to have clear focus, once I saw the true nature of the relationship, I began to gather strength and energy to reclaim my self empowerment, reclaim one of the most important aspects of myself. It is not easy, not by a long shot, in fact it is going to be a very long, painful struggle, but ultimately the reward is priceless.

The reward being freedom, wholeness, oneness, the power to be ME and develop into what I have the potential to be.

It was necessary to become aware of what was limiting my results, learn to begin accepting responcibility for the results that I am experiencing and make the conscious choice to discover the underlying cause for those outcomes.

Tomorrow I am going to go more into my beliefs. What are the ones stopping me that I must change to live the life of my dreams.